A question that has plagued many of us in religious and intellectual circles for the last century has been subject of debate, and heated discussion across the globe. It is the presumption as to the exact time and nature in and by which Adam (being in this case the first man to exist) was blessed with a belly-button. ‘How curious,’ you might ask. Yet, this very curiosity has enthralled scholars and theologians so much for the last few decades that they have finally grouped themselves into three distinct positions. The first position, and it is worth exploring momentarily, however absurd, is the view of the "Pre-Umbilisists.” This group believes that Adam’s navel was formed upon the point of his creation. Adam, coming from dust and created in the precise image of our Lord was granted the navel at the time of his “coming into existence.” With this in mind, one must note that if Adam was indeed created in the image of God in Heaven, that our Lord must also be blessed with a navel. One might also argue that God at one time had to have had an umbilical cord. If this is indeed the case, our curiosity would lead us to question the location of attachment for the aforementioned “cord.” Some Pre-Umbilisists believe the point of attachment to be located between two star clusters, the Quinn Cluster and Gamma Quadrant Four. This location is hundreds of light years from our planet and was chosen because its coordinates lay within the area scientists have theorized to be the center of the Big Bang, the point of the universe's creation. The Pre-Umbilisist would argue that the Lord’s umbilical cord was attached to perhaps a planet or a mass in the deep space of nothingness. We could picture, they say, the image of a child-like God, floating about in this space with his umbilical cord attached to some mass. The “point of severing” which is an important term for the Pre-Umbilisist, would have happened at the implosion of that planet or mass. The explosion would have been so great, that the umbilical cord would have been broken, to float for eternity alone in deep space, and at the same point, our Lord awakened to complete consciousness, fully God and fully complete, with navel.
Adam’s navel would be complete and real, yet serve no known purpose were he to be blessed with it at the point in which he was “drawn from dust.” He would “simply have it,” the Pre-Umbilisist would argue, for without it, “he would not be in the complete image of God.” This series of arguments leads us to the question of “Eve,” Adam’s handmaid. It is here, we can bring up the second position, Mid-Umbilisism.
The Fall of Man, we define as the exact time when we, as human beings became aware of our sinful nature. The Fall, as we know, happened with the creation of Eve. The consequential events that followed led to Adams downfall and the human race as a whole, forever being “separated” from God. The Mid-Umbilisist argues that Adam’s belly-button was formed sometime between the creation of “Eve,” and the time in which it took that “Woman” to take the first bite of that most tempestuous apple. The central vision of the Mid-Umbilisist lays within the “taking of the rib.” When God saw that Adam was alone, he decided to create a help-mate. He did this by taking Adams rib and moving it in such a way to loose it from his stomach. The Mid-Umbilisist paints a picture of the protruding rib being pulled from the blank stomach of our dear Adam. Its being forced out in the very area where God intended to attach future children within the wombs of their mothers. The outward thrust created a puncture hole, and thus became, for Adam, the first belly-button. Eve, to the Mid-Umbilisist was and in a sense always shall be “without navel.” Even before the fall, they argue that this was God’s intention in creating the “Woman.” “Wo-” meaning underneath, below, less than, and in ancient Greek; inferior to.. the “Man.” You see, to the Mid-Umbilisist, women are forever caught in the wake of “Eve.” Eve, being without a navel, was of course, less than human, or as some might put it, “not human.” So in a sense, are all women, not human. They are not as their legacy unfolds, to be blessed with heaven, they are void and without a soul. The Mid-Umbilisist would have us believe that woman, at the end of time and at the point of their death, when they are no longer of any use to man, will be whisked away by the hand of God, as if they never existed, as if they never even happened. The Mid-Umbilisist refers to this time as “the Great Dusting Away.” In which those who were not created in the image of God, the women in this case, will simply be erased, as if nothing every happened. They were here to serve man, and incapable of service to God, so they can serve no purpose in the afterlife. Since they are soulless creatures, they can no sooner gain heaven than a dog or a cow.
This all leads us to the last position, that of the Post-Umbilisist. This group of learned theologians and scholars believe that Adam’s navel was formed after the Fall. The very instant when Adam and Eve discovered they were naked in the Garden of Eden, they were granted belly-buttons. You see, at this point there were no natural births, they were the only two people on the planet. They were not formed naturally, but supernaturally, by God. It would make sense, perhaps that the “placing of the navel” would be the last supernatural event. The children of Adam and Eve were the first to have natural belly-buttons. When these children slept with each other and birthed more children from incestuous relations, they in turn were given the placenta, the attachment. The navel was then to be symbolic of pain suffered in child-birth as well as the sinful necessity of incest to populate the planet. The question remains however, Why would Adam and Eve need belly-buttons. Perhaps for the very reason that they were created in the image of God. If this is the case, then the argument presented by the Pre-Umbilisist would need to be re-examined. Questions remain, like, where is the placenta of God, is it floating about in space, did it ever exist, why would God need a navel? This argument was explored recently in the arena of science fiction. Someone had theorized that there was this great cord like nexus “God’s placenta” zooming through space. Anyone who would pass through it could enter a state of euphoria, like being in the presence of God. Another matter that remains unresolved is the subject of “innies” and or “outies.” What do they mean? Is the inward formed navel a symbol of man’s attempt to reach the “spiritual” by looking “within?” The outward formed navel could mean the opposite, searching for spiritual meaning in the exterior world, a pantheistic view. In either case the “innie” would be the more desirable. Not only is it generally a more comfortable navel to have, as most of us that posses them know, but in a sense, doesn't having one make us less damned for not being born having the sign of seeking those material things that exist apart from the soul. In any case, most intellectuals agree that the question of “innies” and “outies” will not be resolved until more significant issues are addressed.
The arguments of Pre, Mid, and Post-Umbilisists are rich in theory and for the most part, lack any original fact. Until the last century the exact location of the Garden of Eden was unknown. Now that archeologists and sociologists have reached a consensus on deliberating the origins of human life, perhaps we are closer to the day when carbon dating, and geological testing can give us some tangible evidence. We can only hope and wait for that great day when the announcement is made, “We have the lint ball! We have the lint ball!”
Friends, you needn’t be nostalgic for your mind to occasionally wander back to a better time - a time when the world was far less complicated, when morality reigned supreme, when life was just a whole lot easier and more care-free. I am, of course, referring to the late 1600’s. Lucifer was easier to spot back in those days even though the people were simple-minded - even more simple-minded than the current American public when it comes to justifications for war. Satan’s minions were easy to locate. They looked, acted and spoke differently than anyone else. Their slimy, pickle-colored, wart-ridden skin, enormous noses and jutting chins, web-like, matted hair and sickly demeanor led folks to know instantly what they were -- witches! Front porch cauldrons of bubbling fluid containing the most disgusting insects and rodents imaginable made the home of a witch easy to locate. And the incessant rhyming of incantations made the voice of a witch easy to identify, particularly since there were no rap singers back then. A True Christian™ could spot a witch a mile away. An even better Christian could strike one with a flaming arrow from the same distance. All it took was a few wooden stakes, some rope and a torch, and the devil was defeated for yet another day.
Last week, the Society to Cure Ailing Morality published the results of its six month investigation into the historical and contemporary connection between homosexuality and the Catholic "Church." SCAM was established by internationally renown Christian advice columnist, Mrs. Betty Bowers, and international financier, Brother Harry Hardwick, both Gold Star Landover members. Bowers & Hardwick established SCAM two years ago to isolate the causes of today's immorality and to discover ways to eradicate those causes. SCAM focused its attention on the Catholic/homo link not merely based on the obvious similarities between the two groups in terms of ideology and practice but also in light of a recent verdict in Dallas, Texas in which jurors found the archdiocese there liable for over $100 million for a priest's long-term molestation of numerous boys and the "church's" decision to turn a blind eye to the conduct, as well as the long-term refusal of a Louisiana archdiocese to expel a priest who admitted to molesting over 50 boys. 
