2012 Apocalypse Virgin Hunt

The 2012 Apocalypse Virgin Hunt Twistianity Today needs 70 virgins for The End of the Age Human Sacrifice Extravaganza All entries will be judged by a godly panel of Christian™Pastors from around the world as seen on TBN 12 finalist will compete to be chosen as 2012's APOCALYPTIC HUMAN SACRIFICE Humans will once again ward off imminent disaster, our final "doom of mankind". It's like having the ultimate back-stage pass to the greatest concert on Earth! Survive the Apocalypse! Raise your Spiritual Vibration! Begin an Exciting New Life! Master the Power of the Ancients! Harness Unlimited Love, Money & Power! Marvel at the Anti-fungal, Anti-bacterial force that makes bathing & deodorant use obsolete when Gamma Rays shower the earth! Enjoy Instantaneous Enlightenment as you learn the truth “What does GOD really think of Human Sacrifices?” All entries will be judged by a godly panel of Christian™ Pastors                               from around the globe as seen on TBN 2012 APOCALYPTIC HUMAN SACRIFICE Humans will once again ward off imminent disaster, our final "doom of mankind". It's like having the ultimate back-stage pass to the greatest concert on Earth! We're gearing up for the Twistianity Today® 2012 Virgin Human Sacrifice Hunt, when hoards of angry  Archangels, Alien invaders, Quatzequatel, the Anti-Christ, the vengeful warrior Christ, Tea Party Republicans,  Zombies and other 'End-of-the-World' instigators rain down upon the Earth, we’ll be safe and sound Raptured  away with our eternal security… or so they say…but just in case I’ll be wearing my stylish  'Invisible Mystic Mayan Power Cloak™' It will render me invisible to the wrath…it’s also meteor proof!  * No written or expressed guarantees are made about the use of alternative, metaphysical or spiritual tools, services and supplies. Rapture Inc. makes no assurances of final destinations either before or after the great Tribulation. This site is for entertainment purposes only and is done in parody..."It's a joke son..."~Foghorn Leghorn  Close only counts in Horseshoes... and Hand Grenades Look for details JANUARY 1st 2012 @http://nudesforjesus.blogspot.com/ Want to become a Contestant?  http://truetwistianity.blogspot.com/2011/12/contestant.html  Want to become a Contestant? Email us with your Name & State & we will contact you! http://truetwistianity.blogspot.com/ It's good to be a judge, be a judge at this world famous event Mr./Miss Human Sacrifice 2012 Want to become a Judge? Email us with your Name & State & we will contact you!

From Atheism to Islam

Atheism, Islam and Common Sense

Before you laugh and baulk at the reason why dogs bark in graveyards, come hear how Islam's common sense view of the punishment of the grave led one atheist to become a Muslim.

Why Dogs Bark in Graveyards

Mrs. Claus gets Christmas miracle after car stolen, job axed

First, Gail Larkin had her Subaru Forester stolen from a mall parking lot while she was inside volunteering as Mrs. Santa Claus. Then, after news of the theft broke, the mall barred her from coming back, citing "bad publicity." Yet in the end, all involved saw the dangers of getting stuck on the naughty list this close to Christmas.

Larkin's holiday travail began Dec. 10, when she arrived at the Mesilla Valley Mall in Las Cruces, New Mexico, in her silver 2005 Forester and spotted a man lurking around the parking lot. After appearing as Mrs. Claus during a breakfast that morning, Larkin emerged to find her car gone, along with her purse, phone and a walker borrowed from a church, according to the Las Cruces Sun-News.

That would have been enough to spoil anyone's holiday spirit -- except that after the news broke, management at the Mesilla Valley Mall told Larkin Thursday she was barred from volunteering again as Mrs. Claus, due to what Larkin says was "bad publicity." Turns out the mall parking lot lacks security cameras that might have caught sight of whomever took the Forester on a sleigh ride.

The uproar on behalf of Santa's better half moved so quickly to calls for boycotts and angry letters to the mall's owners that by Friday, the mall had capitulated:

Mesilla Valley Mall made a mistake. Plain and simple. We realize that Ms. Larkin brings much joy and happiness to the children of our community by dressing up as Mrs. Claus and we are hopeful that she will be our special guest at tomorrow's Breakfast with Santa.

Larkin accepted, telling those who supported her to not boycott the mall, and that she had looked forward to seeing the children again, telling KFOX-TV: "(They sit) on Santa's lap, asking for a coat to keep them warm in the winter, or for shoes for mommy because she doesn't have shoes without holes...They don't ask for much and (I love) the joy on their faces seeing Santa Claus and Mrs. Santa."

This Saturday, Mrs. Claus arrived as scheduled, but took a slightly different route to the mall. On her way, she spotted a silver Subaru Forester parked in a far lot -- her Forester, lightly damaged with fresh scrapes on the side and money missing from her purse, but otherwise intact. Sometimes even car thieves know when to be good for goodness' sake. SOURCE:

The Invisible Mayan Power Cloak

The Invisible Mayan Power Cloak

	The ancient Mayans predicted the world as we know it will end on December 21st 2012 What will you do about it? How will you protect your loved ones? BE A 2012 SURVIVOR! Wearing the Invisible Mystic Mayan Power Cloak™ gives you guaranteed immunity from the 2012 apocalypse. Survive the Apocalypse in style! Raise your Spiritual Vibration! Begin an Exciting New Life! Master the Power of the Ancients! Harness Unlimited Love, Money & Power! Marvel at the Anti-fungal, Anti-bacterial fabric that makes bathing & deodorant use obsolete! Enjoy Instantaneous Enlightenment! *Please note, some people have reported that they cannot actually see the cloaks depicted in the photos shown. This can happen when one's spiritual vibration hasn't been raised to the level of AWARENESS necessary to see this magical garment. Please don't be alarmed or ashamed... it only means that you NEED THIS CLOAK NOW! Your AWARENESS needs to be raised on a spiritual, etheric level and this cloak is the perfect tool for that!. "It's so soft on my skin!" ~Ignacio Garcia Mayan Shaman "It's the best thing I've ever reinvented!" ~Professor Julius Kelp Quantum Physicist & Lead Researcher "I wish I had one of these, it would have solved a lot of my problems." ~Grigori Rasputin Mystic & Faith Healer
	How much is survival worth to you? $100,000? $10,000? $5,000? $1,000? What if your survival could be guaranteed for only... $49.95??? ...But Wait! If you order TODAY... We'll also send you a... Feel the incredible power of the Sacred Mayan Power Pebble in your hand... you will be invincible. Love, money, power and expensive electronic gadgets will be delivered to you from the Universe. Excess weight and wrinkles will magically disappear. Minor annoyances like hemorroids, acne, dry mouth, jock itch, excessive ear wax, sweaty hands and smelly feet will be a thing of the past. Your enemies will tremble in fear since the Power Pebble can also be lobbed at them from a short distance. No batteries required for this awesome ancient talisman! Unlike a certain Mayan Power Ring™ being sold on the internet in limited sizes (for ladies only) and quantities The Invisible Mayan Power Cloak™ is one-size-fits-all and available in any color imaginable! Why should survivors be limited by size and gender??? The secret of the cloak is the magical fabric, an ancient Mayan rite handed down through the centuries. Deep in the rainforests of what is now called Guatemala, a small, colorful, yet invisible to the naked-eye of most unenlightened people... lives an ancient bird called the Xylxacyxjan. Don't bother trying to pronounce it, it is a word inaudible to the human ear, though worth a ton of points in Scrabble™. The ancient Mayans learned to harvest the vomit from these elusive birds, and after mixing the vomit with rare herbs from the forest while chanting incantations and *tearing the still beating heart out of a pure and accommodating sacrificial victim,they were able to weave a silky fiber from this powerful puke. Now, our small stable of enlightened craftsmen/shaman work in secrecy creating this magical fabric to save humanity. They are all highly spiritually evolved and are clad only in this miraculous fiber as they do their work. *Though some have expressed a measurable improvement of the mystical powers of their Invisible Mayan Power Cloak™ after a ritual sacrifice, please note that the sacrificial victim must provide written and notarized approval. Please consult a lawyer as this may still be illegal in some states and most countries around the world. How Does it Work? When the hoards of angry Archangels, Alien invaders, Quatzequatel, the Anti-Christ, the vengeful warrior Christ, Tea Party Republicans, Zombies and other 'End-of-the-World' instigators rain down upon the Earth, your stylish 'Invisible Mystic Mayan Power Cloak™' will render you invisible to their wrath... it's also meteor proof! It's like having the ultimate back-stage pass to the greatest concert on Earth! * No written or expressed guarantees are made about the use of alternative, metaphysical or spiritual tools, services and supplies. This site is for entertainment purposes only and is done in parody... "It's a joke son..." ~Foghorn Leghorn SOURCE:

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

Close to 200 prisoners will cycle around France next month, watched by scores of guards on bicycles, in the first penal version of the Tour de France, authorities said Monday.

The 196 prisoners will cycle in a pack and breakaway sprints will not be allowed. They will be accompanied by 124 guards and prison sports instructors. There will be no ranking, the idea being to foster values like teamwork and effort.

"It's a kind of escape for us, a chance to break away from the daily reality of prison," said Daniel, a 48-year-old prisoner in the western city of Nantes, at the official launch of the event. His last name was not given.

"If we behave well, we might be able to get released earlier, on probation," he told reporters.

The prisoners' Tour de France will take them 2,300 km (1,400 miles) around the country, starting in the northern city of Lille on June 4 and stopping in 17 towns, each of which has a prison. However, participants will sleep in hotels.

The finish line will be in Paris, following Tour de France tradition.

"This project aims to help these men reintegrate into society by fostering values like effort, teamwork and self-esteem," said Sylvie Marion of the prison authorities.

"We want to show them that with some training, you can achieve your goals and start a new life," she said.

“a Healthy Sex Life Makes You a Better Preacher?”

Why a Healthy Sex Life (If You're Married) Makes You a Better Church Leader

by Margaret Feinberg

While you’ve probably read books about sex and maybe even taken a few quizzes, have you ever correlated sex with your leadership skills? Although having a healthy sex life may not turn you into a superhuman leader, here are five ways a healthy sex life can improve your leadership skills:

Sexual intimacy might not be your first thought when thinking of leadership skills, but it’s a great way to test your faithfulness in the small things.

1. A healthy sex life removes temptations. The temptations we face as leaders aren’t just sexual, but temptation takes many different forms. First Corinthians 7:5 encourages married believers to engage in sex, preventing a potential foothold for Satan. Whether it’s the allure of power or money or worldly success, if you are satisfied at home, you will feel less of a drive toward temptation elsewhere.

2. Leaders engaging in a healthy sexual relationship with their spouse will naturally develop stronger communication skills along with grace, humility, and gentleness. These skills are transferable, allowing you to be more effective when interacting with other people. Selfless love is the key to a healthy sex life; if leaders can selflessly love their spouse inside the home, they can selflessly love others outside the home.

3. Sex releases the hormone oxytocin, which triggers endorphins to lessen pain and encourages better sleep.Energized leaders who have a healthy sex life are more likely to make smarter decisions, increase productivity, and are more enthusiastic about their work. Not to mention, happier people tend to be kinder and more gracious people.

4. Leaders with a healthy sex life have lower blood pressure, less stress, and higher immunity levels. Studies have shown males who engage in regular sex reduce their chance of prostate cancer and cut the risk of heart attack in half. This means fewer sick days, better overall health, and more work accomplished.

5. Engaging in a healthy sex life gives you a voice to speak on a prevalent topic in today’s world. Our culture has distorted a healthy view of sex and marriage. By choosing to develop a healthy sex life for you and your spouse, you have the opportunity to share with others a Christ-centered perspective on these issues. A healthy sex life is indicative of a healthy marriage, and we need every leader celebrating and upholding the gift of marriage in our world.

Sexual intimacy might not be your first thought when thinking of leadership skills, but it’s a great way to test your faithfulness in the small things. For those who struggle with health issues, remember that sexual intimacy is not confined to mere intercourse. Try playing with different forms of intimacy to find a creative solution for your needs. If your sex life with your spouse is not healthy, there’s a good chance your leadership could be compromised, but if it’s active and alive—there’s a good chance you’re a better, more confident leader for it. SOURCE:

A popular speaker at churches and conferences such as Catalyst, CreationFest, and YouthSpecialties, Margaret Feinberg was recently named one of the '30 Emerging Voices' who will help lead the church in the next decade by Charisma magazine and one of the '40 Under 40' who will shape Christian publishing by Christian Retailing, she has written more than two dozen books and Bible studies including the critically-acclaimed The Organic God, The Sacred Echo and Scouting the Divine. Margaret and her books have been covered by national media including: CNN, the Associated Press, Los Angeles Times, Dallas Morning News, and many others. For Margaret's latest tweets - @mafeinberg.

(Margaret is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist. ) added

Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley! Well, I'm still receiving some negative reaction from my show on Pee Wee Herman, titled, "There But For The Grace Of God Go I", and, I have to admit, it's not my best show.. but that's o-kay. I have to give myself permission to do a bad show every now and then. Okay.. for those of you who watch the show regularly, you know that I don't have guests, I always do the show alone.. and that's.. o-kay. But yesterday, my producer said, "Stuart, I can get you a guest that you would be insanenot to have on the show." So I decided to take a risk - in life, you have to take risks - and, today we have a guest.. [ reveal Michael Jordan sitting next to Stuart ] ..and his name is Michael J. - I'll protect your anonymity. Michael is a basketball player for a professional basketball team. Well, that's very good, Michael, you should be very proud of yourself.

Can Halloween be both Scary and Religious?

Can Halloween be both Scary and Religious?

Halloween always presents a problem to people who only like ghosts that egg them on into convulsing about on the floor of public buildings, gurgling saliva and screeching nonsense. But, let's face it, being Pentecostal is not everyone's cup of tea. All that unseemly "look at me! look at me!" rolling about can ruin the crease in any quality fabric (although the Lord has kindly seen fit to spare them this particular concern). But for folks who like their Ghosts Holy, Halloween is a night of danger, a holiday when Satan lures Real American (TM) children into the gateway drug of homosexuality (wearing costumes), which can lead to even more dangerous gay addictions -- musical theater and, yes, even Broadway! Each year, pint-size sugar-junkies are faced with a tricky dilemma: How do you stock up on free, bite-size Three Musketeers bars without waking up the next morning with a skip in your walk, a cheap costume pulled up over your head and the bloody remains of a Wicca pet sacrifice in your mouth? more

Halloween alternatives booming

BY RACHEL COOK Californian staff writer

On Halloween night, you may find more pint-sized princesses and super heroes bouncing in inflatable toys and collecting candy in church parking lots than roaming your neighborhood streets for sweets.

Trunk or treats, harvest festivals and Halloween alternatives abound in Bakersfield. Most of the events are free with food and drink available to buy. From secular to religious events, organizers said their bashes attract hundreds or even thousands of people and are steadily growing.

"We just had tons of people last year. I didn't even recognize half of them," said Monica Espejo, children's ministry director at The Oaks Community Church. She estimated nearly 1,000 people turned out last year and she is expecting more will show up Monday.

The phenomenon isn't unique to Bakersfield. Tony Kummer, founder of the website Ministry-To-Children.com, said his post about trunk or treat has garnered 30,000 unique visits this month and 90,000 visits since it was posted two years ago.

Besides a trend toward safer trick-or-treating, the popularity of church events also shows a shift in some Christians' attitude toward Halloween. Kummer said that in the past, fundamentalist Christianity approached Halloween as a satanic holiday when "good Christians lock themselves in the basement and pray," but today churches large and small are coming to terms with Halloween as part of the culture.

"You have a range of purposes in what churches are doing but in general the idea is you don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater," Kummer said. "Even if it's not an attempt to proselytize, those churches feel like by providing a positive (event) they are saying to the community, 'We care about children.'"

Kummer said churches may be warming up to Halloween-themed gatherings because costuming is trending away from witchcraft-inspired get-ups to Hollywood characters.

"I think that's made it easier to say this is probably not about witchcraft, it's about kids having fun," Kummer said.

In Bakersfield, church festival planners vary in their views of the purpose of their events. Some said their festivities provide an alternative to what they see as the evil connotations of Halloween, while others said they just want their members and neighbors to come together for a night of fun.

"If we didn't want to have any connotation with Halloween then we wouldn't have it on that day," said Carol Scheevel, director of children's ministries at First Presbyterian Church in Bakersfield. "We recognize that kids love to dress up and love to get candy...It's a reality of childhood."

At The Oaks Community Church, Espejo said the ministry's fest is biblically themed, with religious dramas and a faith walk children and their parents can explore.

"We really want to shine Jesus' light on this dark night," Espejo said. "In the worldly way (Halloween is) all about the goblins. We want to be a light to our community."

The festival feats are cobbled together with candy collected by volunteers and car trunks decorated by church members. Rille Pinault, communications director for Laurelglen Bible Church, said her congregation is preparing for 3,000 attendees at their Ashe Bash with 500 bales of hay to construct a maze and a "man cave" where dads can watch Monday night football.

"Every year it gets a little bit bigger," Pinault said. "Most of our members come and help because everything is put on by volunteers."

The church celebrations also keep businesses busy. When Cheryl Ruiz opened Kiddie Amusements Inc. in 1996, one or two churches rented party gear from her for their fall fests. This year she's supplying inflatable bounce houses and carnival games to about 10 churches, including ministries in Delano, Shafter and Taft.

"A lot of the people from Bakersfield do go to these events," Ruiz said by phone Thursday. "We've been busy for the last several weeks getting ready."

The planners behind the plethora of harvest fests said their events provide a safe alternative to letting children loose on the streets of Bakersfield. Kern County Supervisor Mike Maggard was inspired to start a Halloween gathering in Oildale after witnessing his son's Washington church provide trunk or treating in a poor Tacoma neighborhood. He said people are gravitating toward "more controlled environments" rather than letting their kids trick-or-treat.

The event held Saturday gets a boost from volunteers from Maggard's church, Valley Bible Fellowship, and local law enforcement agencies.

"It's a safe way for children in Oildale to be able to celebrate Halloween. There's no issue of dealing with stray dogs or dark streets," Maggard said. "It is a wholesome environment for them." SOURCE:

Jesus Loves you. This prayer will change your life. ENTER

Halloween Costume Causes 7 Children to Gouge Their Eyes Out!

Sight of Horrifying Halloween Costume Causes 7 Children to Gouge Their Eyes Out!

NATIONAL NEWS: LOCAL JUDGE DECLARES WEARING THIS COSTUME A FELONY!

Freehold, Iowa -Dozens of children are being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and five, newly-blind youngsters remain in serious condition at theLandover BaptistHospital for Folks Not Ready for Heaven Yet. Throughout the still traumatized community, children are suffering from severe psychological shock after an unexpected knock on the door last night at a Christian alternative Halloween party held by a local pastor. The uninvited guest was wearing a costume so grotesque, evil and disfigured, the children were convinced that they had unwittingly opened the front door to Satan himself.

"Only," said one of the children who had not ripped his eyes out rather than look upon such a hideous sight, "we never would have guessed that even the Devil would -- or could -- be, like, that totallyugly! I mean, how do you lure people to do anything when you look that nasty?"

Screams of "It's a monster!" and "Where did my eyeball roll to?" brought worried parents running up from the rumpus room downstairs. But it was too late. The hideous gargoyle was already making its way across the front lawn, leaving behind a room full of crying children and a deep-pile carpet wet with the ooze of little eyeballs, which had been popped and crushed in the stampede from the doorway.

"Our hearts go out to each family today," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "They remain in our prayers. But I have to say I am pretty darn proud of the newly blind children and the True Christian™ parents who raised them! They followed scripture instinctively and without, pardon the pun, batting an eye! Glory!

"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."
- Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:29

Pastor Deacon Fred continued, "we cannot stress enough that Rev. Williamson, expresses heartfelt regret for wearing that particular costume this year. He tells us from his own hospital bed that he loves children, but the disfigured shape of the mask's face prevented the old man from wearing his glasses underneath. "I knew the costume was creepy," said Rev. Williamson, "but, come on, how could anyone guess the final effect would be that horrible?"

Rev. Williamson remains in critical condition at the hospital after being chased across the lawn by angry parents, who, thinking he was a foppish vampire, wrestled him to the gravel driveway and attempted to drive a wooden stake through his heart using a croquet mallet Before a fatal blow could be struck, little Timmy Tomlin, using his Batman cape, hung himself from the Henderson's oak tree, distracting the furious parents long enough to allow Rev. Williamson to limp to safety behind Mrs. Henderson's hydrangeas.

"I think that if Rev. Williamson had shown the costume to someone, perhaps his wife, before he decided to sneak up on the kiddies, he would have thought twice," said Pastor. "Perhaps he would have taken that hideous ghoul costume and pitched the abhorrent abomination into a trash incinerator. I believe his wife would have fainted had she seen it and it would have saved dozens of families both bawling and Braille," he continued. "I get shivers down my spine and break into a cold sweat when I even think about that fiendish vampire costume! It is absolutely the most terrifying thing I have ever seen in all my years on this earth, and to put that thing on, run into a room full of children and scream, Boo! Oh, the horror those poor children must have felt at that moment! I'm going to post a picture of it up on our church web site to warn other folks about it, but treat that photo like a solar eclipse -- don't look directly into it or you will blinded for life!" SOURCE

My Imaginary Friend Just Told Me His Name is Jesus!

My Imaginary Friend Just Told Me His Name is Jesus!

In last Sunday's sermon, Pastor Deacon Fred recalled a conversation he had with an unsaved cashier at a Safeway in Des Moines. "This feller was just yapping to himself, and mumbling," said Pastor. "So I asked him, who are you talking to? To which he replied, 'My 2,000 year old invisible flying friend.' I told him, as an adult, he really needed to let go of such childish things. Part of being an adult is living in the real world and not clinging to made-up stories and imaginary friends, no matter how comforting. Then, he happened to mention that his friend was called "Jesus." I told him, "Well, why didn't you say so? That's different kettle of fish entirely, my friend!"

Landover Baptist Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwardsgives candid advice to True Christians® who have unsaved family members with invisible or so-called, "imaginary" friends. "When does a friend stop becoming imaginary?" asks Dr. Edwards, "Well, most Christian Psychologists believe it is when your imaginary friend tells you his name is Jesus. And I believe that to be true in almost every case. You see," says Edwards, "when a person finally becomes a True Christian®, all imagination ceases to exist. So if a person is saying that their imaginary friend, just told him or her that its name is Jesus, it is reasonable that the friend is no longer imaginary. To put it in simple terms, their friend is the living Son of God who sits on a throne in Heaven and hears and watches everything that every single person on Earth does, each and every day - and that includes masturbation!"

Christian Psychologists teach us that an unsaved person's mind is very susceptible to imagination. It is only when an unsaved person gets saved that their imagination is replaced with reality. And that reality is the True Christian® reality - that we are living in a world where invisible demons and angels are fighting an unseen, but very real war over human souls. The harvesting of souls for the Devil's consumption and the Lord's delight, we know to be real, because no unsaved person could ever imagine such a thing. It is only when their minds and bodies are transformed by the born again experience that all imagination ceases to exist. What replaces their silly world of mental fiction, transforms a previously distorted view of the world into a vivid and clear reality. That reality includes the resurrection of the dead, the communion of saints, the fellowship of angels, and the everlasting torture of eternal hellfire for all those who never heard about Jesus.

Landover Baptist youth ministers are professionally trained to spot young children with imaginary friends. "We start as early as nursery school," says Youth Pastor, Geoffrey Weaver. "If a child is lucky enough to make it through the Spring Bible Crawl, we're fairly certain it doesn't have demons, but our work on securing the child's salvation is still at the beginning stages." Landover Nursery school teachers encourage young pre-Christians who appear to have imaginary friends, to develop a speaking relationship with their friend. "It's important that we find out if their imaginary friend is Jesus or the Holy Ghost, or a demon, as quickly as possible," notes Weaver. "I don't think we have to explain why. Let's just say it's no fun telling a Christian parent that their 2-year old has just been shipped off in a chicken cage to the Landover Baptist Home for the Demonically Possessed in North Dakota."

At Landover Baptist, our church members are blessed enough to have Pastors who make it a priority to stop imagination long before it becomes dangerous. "That's usually at the age of two, as we understand it," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "I believe the angels in heaven throw a party and the demons in Hell pound the sandy shores of the lake of fire in anger each time a young pre-Christian tells his nursery school teacher, 'My invisible friend just told me his name is Jesus!' And what a joy it is also, to hear the same thing from an unsaved adult on their deathbed, two seconds before they take their last breath." SOURCE:

Barbie Dolls for the Dallas market

Barbie Dolls for the Dallas market

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Dallas market:

" Highland Par k Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Northpark. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a McMansion on Beverly Drive. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
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" Plano Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
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" Oak Cliff Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a
Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only
available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable
bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
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" Frisco Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also
available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to
afford any of them.
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" Mesquite Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud
light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's
butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag
bumper sticker absolutely free.
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" Grand Prairi e Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Southside
Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a
see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
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" Lower Greenville Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
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" East Dallas Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very
difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
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" Oak Lawn Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
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McKinney Barbie
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way.
We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in
Japan on business. McKinney Barbie aspires to become Plano Barbie. Not cheap but still very naive.
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"North Richland Hills Barbie"
This is Twilight Barbie she's into make-up and blood. You can only purchase this Barbie during a Mid-Night sale at Metroplex Game Stops.


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West Dallas Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This
is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a
meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand.
Green cards are not yet available for West Dallas Barbie or Ken.
Available at Carnival or Fiesta Stores only.

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South Dallas Barbie
This barbie also goes by the name of "Crackhead or Clucker"
She does not come with a house because she is mostly walking the
streets. But she does come with a set of gold or platinum teeth. She
also comes with 6 kids but Ken is not the father of neither one of them.